JOKES
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Tintumon’s First Interview
Interviewer: “Tell me opposite words.. COOL”
Tintumon: “Hot”
Interviewer: Girl
Tintumon: “Boy”
Int: ” India ”
Tintu: ” Pakistan ”
Int: “Good Keep it up”
Tintumon: “Bad Put it down”
Int: “Stop It”
Tintumon: “Start that”
Int: “Idiot Get Out”
Tintumon: “Clever Come in”
Int: “Oh my God”
Tintumon: “Oh your devil”
Int: “I rejected You”
Tintumon: “You appointed Me”
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don't understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words "blind," "deaf," "saw," "heard" and "herd."
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don't understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words "blind," "deaf," "saw," "heard" and "herd."
HOMEWORK ON THE BUS
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
The Trains Are Always Late
A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Two More "Dialog" Jokes
A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Two More Riddles
Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
A: A piano.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Alphabet Riddles
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
A Sentence That Starts with "I"
In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."
Student: I is the ...
Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."
Student: I is the ...
Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
John Says I'm Pretty
A: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
B: I think you are pretty ugly.
Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.
NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly
B: I think you are pretty ugly.
Insulting someone is often considered funny, especially when that person is fishing for a complement.
NOTE: pretty ugly = very ugly
Will I Be Able to Play the Piano?
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation.
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great. I never could before.
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great. I never could before.
School Teacher's Note
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
4 More English Riddles
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
Ghost Riddles
Q: What does a ghost eat for dessert?
A: I scream. (Ice cream)
Q: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
A: At the ghost office. (Post office)
Q: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards. (Post cards)
Q: What amusement park ride does a ghost like best?
A: The roller ghoster. (Roller coaster)
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A: One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.
A: I scream. (Ice cream)
Q: Where does a ghost mail his letters?
A: At the ghost office. (Post office)
Q: What did the ghost mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards. (Post cards)
Q: What amusement park ride does a ghost like best?
A: The roller ghoster. (Roller coaster)
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: What's the difference between a ghost and a butcher?
A: One stays awake and the other weighs a steak.
Tenses
The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.
NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.
The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.
NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.
Factory Workers
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The Monk
- monk = a religious man who spends much time praying and thinking about religion.
- monastery = a place where monks live.
- a vow of silence = a promise not to speak
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
Baby Brother
Two children are talking.
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Coins
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
Good News & Bad News
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
The Frog & The Engineer
An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Love & Marriage
People often enjoy joking about love and marriage.
Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Now let's listen to a couple of riddles about marriage.
Here's the first one.
Q: Why are men with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
A: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.
Here's another riddle.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
I'll end today's podcast with a humorous proverb-like saying.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
3 Restaurants
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
A Cute Dog
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
Punishment
A student is talking to his teacher.
Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
Teacher:" Of course not."
Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
Student: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
Teacher:" Of course not."
Student: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."
Telephone
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Telephone
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
The Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
